Fear of moving on..

This summer, took us on a not so Hawaiian rollercoaster ride…

We had joys and excitement, and as quickly as we adjusted to new changes, there came devastating changes that took place.
I honestly don’t think i have dealt with the loss of a pregnancy,  i never in a million years thought i would experience it and feel it so deeply.

I look at the happy expecting mothers all around me, while I rejoice for them.genuinely, i also think to myself how that isnt me right now

 How my world changed upside down,  the moment the drs confirmed my greatest fear. We decided we’d embrace whetever came our way, but i wasnt ready for this… my heart simply wasn’t ready for a loss. My nights are sad and my heart though full of love for my 1 daughter, hurts for the lost possibility we had with this unborn baby. I long for and desire nothing more than to obtain my very own rainbow baby, bur each passing month is a reminder of what I dont have and wont be having in the near future. Its heart wrenching…

Needing to write out my emotions, is crucial for me. Processing life is hard, but when you are of a creative mind, words spoken often times arent easy, to me writing is my spoken word.

And still i rise, i hope and have faith of whats to come…

Another month, no change…

I shared with you previously we lost a baby last June… we have been harboring hope that everything reset and wed be sharing happy news, but again another month and no news.

I long for this greatly, and each passing month, i feel like I am spiraling into sadness that no one in my family can understand. I feel alone, i feel weak, i feel helpless, my body was to be this carriage of life, and it is not doing so. My heart grows heavy with each passing month, and i am becoming unable to control it. Emso many happy news around me, and i keep waiting…..

Dear Sister,

I have been there always, ready to guide, to support and love unconditionally.

This is something its taken me months to be able to share…

In your moment of sadness, of pain, of sorrow, of worry, i lacked words, because my heart broke right with yours. As i rejoiced with you, i too suffered your pain, doubly, because i suffered your worries, and those of my own heart. I prayed for you more than myself or my own, i relished every set of good news, and worried terribly as more news awaited. This has been your journey, i could only watch from the sidelines, but know that no matter where i was i thought of you, prayed for you,  and then came the day of rejoicing.
My heart grew a million times that day, a day which will be in your memory forever, because when you rejoice i rejoice, when you weep i weep, and when we struggle, we all feel it.

I want you to know how important you are, how much i care, how much i will always be there. 

I am blessed to have more of you, unique sensitive souls that brighten my life….

Forever your sister, forever a friend.

Babies, life, death and everything in between

​I would like to share an experience i have recently lived through, that I feel women dont share…not often enough anyway.this week we confirmed our suspected fears, we lost a baby via miscarriage. We had hopes of expanding our family, we still harbor hope and believe if it is meant to be it will be. I have been experiencing a plethora of emotions… but among all of this we felt peace and harbor hope of trying again. I am fine, my family is fine and we are blessed beyond measure. If God sees it fit to bring us another member of the family we will gladly welcome it. 
So in light of so many hurtful events this week, the bottom line is that Life is more precious than we know, or sometimes even think of. Life is but a fleeting moment in whicb we can make the best of it snd enjoy each second, or we can waste it harboring hate and other raw emotions that do not contribute to the thread of human kind. Fear is driving us apart as a human race, rather than love bring us together. Fear is becoming the gateway to hate, we are not discussing it, we are turning a blind eye and the problem.is growing, its escalating, and its consuming our nation.

We fear the different, but our forefathers fought so we could all be seen the same, were backtracking rather than progressing. So please harbor hope, love, kindness, peace,  grace and mercy not fear, hate, distrust of others.

My little secret…

Not any of my family reads this blog….
So i think im safe in sharing…
Were expecting… again.
Second child… or children perhaps.
We have a high chances of multiples in our families. Praying all is well, both baby and me are healthy. Wish us well upon this new journey we revisit.

Ta-ta for now!

 

—Update—-

Yesterday i spent 5hrs in the ed. Some cramping and bleeding occurred, my pregnancy hormone was very low. We are determining if this could actually come.to fruition. I had no issues with my 1st. Now as a 30yr old, 2nd timer, i am terrified. Feel like my body has failed me in the 1 task i asked it to do right.

 

-update-

2 weeks since my ed trip, it is confirmed we experienced a miscarriage. Hormone levels dropped substantially… we now await the reset of my body to be able to try again.

Hope remains.

Heart lingers in the what could’ve been, but mind knows better things to come await.

What is wrong with this picture…

Friends I tried to remain quiet, calm and collected as I keep reading about the Turner rape case. This is what I would like to say in letter form.

Dear Dan A. Turner (the father),

In light of the news and media capturing just about every move you all make and every word you say, I would like to take a second and reflect on the outcome of this case and what your actions mean to the rest of the society that observes.

Your son, per your standards a smart, fun loving, apparently charming young man, took advantage of and raped a woman, whom no less could fight him off as she was not in a proper state to do so.  According to you, the sexual violation of another person by your son, should  not be so harshly punished, because he has suffered enough. Excuse me sir, as I go ahead and describe what suffering enough really entails, the raped young woman, now lives with the shamd, guilt, disgust of her Own body- a body that God gave her no, to be mistreated by others,  but to be loved by her and perhaps a special someone one day. Your son and his actions and lack of respect have taken that self worth, that self love and shattered it, because when a woman (or man) is raped, their control, their strength is taken from them, some can recover but not after years and years of traumatized self hate.

It is because of Your precious Son, that this woman’s life and her families have been forever changed, forever scarred, forever tainted. Media plays a role in keeping these stories alive much longer than they should, but if your son hadnt sexually assaulted her they would have nothing to tell.

Mr. Turner, I would also like to know how yes, even a parent myself, how is it sir that you feel it just for your son to be expected to serve maybe 3 months for  Rape, and that everyone should be pleased that he did his time. In the grand scheme of things his time served, would not impact us, however it is the justice that is served that matters. A man decided to rape and simply has to serve 3 months in jail and be on parole a few years after that, yes he has to register as a sex offender, well sir he IS a sex offender, and women and everyone should be able to know your son in NOT trustworthy.

Furthermore, Mr. Turner, I would like to ask… did you ever think of yourself being in that young woman’s place, having it be your daughter that was raped, having her story told and retold and her pain and humiliation put on display for everyone to see? How would you react and feel at the sentencd the rapist received had it been your daughter who was raped. Would you still say, he received enough punishment and has suffered enough? I fear the responses you give may be a little different, perhaps you would have said a little more and found that this sentencing was a joke.

We in this society teach young men to be conquerors of their destiny while simultaneously shaming and blaming women for having the bodies of women. We have grown to have a skewed point of view until it touches our homes, our families, our friends. The truth is, women should not be damned, or blamed or shamed because they have bodies of women. That is what we are, we have curvaceous figures for the purpose of bearing children, of being supportive mothers, friends, sisters, daughters, our bodies are simply the frames that contain our unique souls. No one has the right to violate, shame, blame my body becausw of what it looks like, it is my body, my temple, just as your is your temple. We need to show our children the value of human life, respect for our physical form, and the proper context of intimate relations, when one party isnt a willing participant there should be no question of the following actions, because there should be no following actions.

Perhaps your son, is a reflection of where society went wrong, but in light of your recent public words, I fear Mr.Turner, you helped mold that mindset in your son, a mindset where he should take what he desires by force and make it his. Perhaps you should’ve clarified,  it was meant for his school work, career, not women.

In all this, I pray for the victim and her family, that they get the peace and justice they do deserve, that the Lord bring them comfort and that they can live a full and happy life beyond this. For you sir and your son, I pray that the Lord bring forth conscience, that you both see the error of your ways and learn from this. That the Lord have mercy of both of your heartless souls, and that someday we shall hear a positive turn in both your lives.

Life is what you make it…but only as long as what you make of yours isnt ripping something away from someone else.
We forged our own destiny, let us ensure that we make right choices, and right decisions to lead us down a path of righteousness and wisdom.

Finding words…

When everything else fails,
No words found to express yourself…
Something about music is so liberating…
Life wouldnt be the same without it.
The silence between words but in between melodies is amazingly complex.