It’s been nearly 4 years…since we Lost baby #2. I try to not rethink it, but I was pregnant 4 yrs ago, and didn’t know it. My hopes and dreams were going to seemingly come true, and then they didn’t.
I’m not angry anymore, but I keep our messages between my husband and I stumbled upon this time in 2016. I sound so incredibly angry and I can see now, that it was masking the sheer volume of pain physical and sheer agony emotionally. Something we both wanted, that I’d share while laying in bed together, the hug he gave me, when I told him we were pregnant is forever engraved in my mind.
A moment so perfect, you just had to be there, you should be so lucky to have another like it. We kept it to ourselves, and we prayed everything would work out. Simply because that year, there had been a lot in our families with babies that had gone wrong.
Then, it all came crashing. Bleeding and pain that I can’t describe, sorrow for being totally helpless at keeping my body from rejecting the very dream we prayed for. It didn’t quit, I had to face the doctors alone, because we had a kid already and she couldn’t know what was happening. After it was said and done, the dr at the hospital had the worlds worst bedside manner I had ever seen. She acted as though this was a blood clot from a standard period, not a baby I prayed for passing. She wasn’t empathetic and for her behavior I still get angry.
I spent months in and out of depression, masking it, pretending to be ok. I mentioned it in passing to those closest to me, but I didnt dwell on it with them. Alone….that was a different story. Alone, I was hurt, i was angry, and upset. I asked God. I prayed over my body and prayed that it would soon pass….
Now, it’s been 4yrs. We have a gorgeous 2yr old and life is remarkable. I am blessed beyond measure even if my heart can’t understand the purpose of the events 4 years ago. I just want to say to all the moms out there. You are amazing, you are remarkable, you are extraordinary. Keep moving forward. The more we’re willing to do, the easier.