Almost 4 years later…

It’s been nearly 4 years…since we Lost baby #2. I try to not rethink it, but I was pregnant 4 yrs ago, and didn’t know it. My hopes and dreams were going to seemingly come true, and then they didn’t.

I’m not angry anymore, but I keep our messages between my husband and I stumbled upon this time in 2016. I sound so incredibly angry and I can see now, that it was masking the sheer volume of pain physical and sheer agony emotionally. Something we both wanted, that I’d share while laying in bed together, the hug he gave me, when I told him we were pregnant is forever engraved in my mind.

A moment so perfect, you just had to be there, you should be so lucky to have another like it. We kept it to ourselves, and we prayed everything would work out. Simply because that year, there had been a lot in our families with babies that had gone wrong.

Then, it all came crashing. Bleeding and pain that I can’t describe, sorrow for being totally helpless at keeping my body from rejecting the very dream we prayed for. It didn’t quit, I had to face the doctors alone, because we had a kid already and she couldn’t know what was happening. After it was said and done, the dr at the hospital had the worlds worst bedside manner I had ever seen. She acted as though this was a blood clot from a standard period, not a baby I prayed for passing. She wasn’t empathetic and for her behavior I still get angry.

I spent months in and out of depression, masking it, pretending to be ok. I mentioned it in passing to those closest to me, but I didnt dwell on it with them. Alone….that was a different story. Alone, I was hurt, i was angry, and upset. I asked God. I prayed over my body and prayed that it would soon pass….

Now, it’s been 4yrs. We have a gorgeous 2yr old and life is remarkable. I am blessed beyond measure even if my heart can’t understand the purpose of the events 4 years ago. I just want to say to all the moms out there. You are amazing, you are remarkable, you are extraordinary. Keep moving forward. The more we’re willing to do, the easier.


Busy busy week

This week started with birthdays last week, then my niece turned 2 yesterday. We sang happy birthday via video chat. It felt weird but so wonderful to see my family. Then today my baby brother turns 16!!! Amazing right. We’ll he got his biggest birthday wish. A Birthday Twin. We welcomed my newest niece just a few minutes ago!!! She’s perfect

God bless us everyone. Life doesn’t stop because we are in quarantine. It becomes infinitely more interesting in how we channel the remarkable joys of Love. Life and family.

Hope you are staying safe. God bless!!!

Siblings day!!

It is National Sibling day y’all. Can I just share how much I love this group of people. I mean they are everything!!! My first best friends. My confidants. My walls of reflection. My inspiration. My motivation. They are remarkable people. Beautiful people inside and out. Amazing friends, sons. Daughters, moms and dad, uncles and aunts. I am blessed to be their oldest sister, but really I am blessed to have every single one of them. I love you all for the incredible human beings you are and for the amazing souls that will forever be bonded to mine. Xoxo happy siblings day!!!

Rejoined the Workforce

Covid-19 is kicking our asses here in CT. We’ve been quarantined for weeks and it continues to grow. I was out of work for 2 weeks, due to high risk. They did extend the leave for me automatically however growing stir crazy, I asked again if they’d allow me to work from home. Finally they said yes. So yesterday I went back into my office building which generally houses 700 people yesterday it held but a few dozen people. My team was half gone. The rest leaving yesterday to work from home too. I am grateful for having a job that covered me and paid me while adjusting this. Making changes to our process on the fly. Banking is no joke friends we literally never shut down and this covid kicked us into gear.

Good luck to you all. Blessings

Surviving 2020

We started this thing called 2020 with so much hope and excitement. As each week progresses it is evident what we hoped for and what IS are 2 very different things.

Reality being this year has short of kicked our asses. Business is slow, sickness has struck, everything is a mess. Nothings smooth or easy, nothings flowing naturally. Everything feels like a chore, a big busy to do list that never ends.

Covid 19 was that extra bullet this year needed to beat us into submission. We still yearn and hope for better things, because faith has stayed strong, but sone days when exhaustion kicks in, its hard to see or hope for what is ahead.

I hope you are all coping and feeling better than all this, i pray you remain healthy and steadfast on your goals for 2020. We can still make it happen. I believe in us all

Good ol’ CoronaVirus

Yes. It is likely the trending topic amongst social media, news outlets and world news in general…Coronavirus aka Covid-19.

Let’s take it from the beginning guys. This thing broke out in China…we all heard of it to some extent. Then it blew up, thousands of cases sprung out in a quick period of time. People thought the precautions as we began to see Cases in the U.S. was a joke. Like nothing bad can ever happen here.

I will share this my husband. Works in a hospital and has for nearly a decade or more. He saw the writing on the wall long before the news started advising for possible quarantine conditions. He shopped and prepped our little home for the worst scenario possible, being home unable to leave. Can I tell y’all I thought this dude Lost his shit, and then literally within days of our bulk of supplies arriving and us putting everything away, the news started sharing more and more cases, and discussions of school closures sprang out. And lo and behold, we were advised to Stay home… thank goodness my hubby didnt care that I thought he was crazy, he went ahead and prepared for our family. More so than hopefully we will need, but all useful consumable items we can use.

This panic setting in, shouldn’t make us impulse buy everything in sight. But rather plan accordingly and buy what we need not excess. Elderly and fixed income folks don’t have infinite funds and need us to not clear all the shelves. We need to take it seriously, we need to be calm, we need to be rational. We need to think beyond ourselves and remember we are ALL in this together and as such we need to think for the betterment and protection of ALL not just ourselves.

So stay kind. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay clean. And remember to think Beyond yourself. Our livelihood and communities depend on it.

We blog of Life. Well let’s chat Netflix’s The trials of Gabriel

First and foremost, may God rest his little sweet soul and have Him in his arms in Heaven.

I followed this case back when it made headlines in the mid 2010s. I was a new mom myself and could NOT for the life of me Fathom how anyone would ever hurt or allow anyone else to hurt their baby to the extent of Gabriel’s injuries at death.

While some will say the Documentary is biased because It presumes guilt, we Know by court ruling and a Jury that there was undoubtedly guilt, and to be guilty of such a horrendous crime against an innocent child you must be some kind of sick evil being.

No parent who Loves their child willingly causes them harm. I die a little inside when my girls get hurt doing every day kid things, let alone me being the cause of the pain!

This woman gave this baby up!!! How does DCFS or the courts return him to someone who had cut ties with their own flesh and blood for 8 years. That is Not and could Not be “preservation of family” if the family did not exist. This was straight up negligence by the department, the fact that calls came in announcing severe injuries and risk concerns should have at minimum warranted the child’s temporary removal of her custody to properly assess the situation. I am aware departments have guidelines and rules and things they have to abide by, but when Flags are raised All over the place, it warrants action rather than it being an afterthought.

My heart aches for this boy, for his siblings. And for their extended family whom suffered viewing this and calling it in, but nothing was done.

Dcfs failed, courts failed, social workers failed, Police Sheriffs failed, neighbors failed. Everyone failed Gabriel. We have Got to do better for these babies. We have got to do better!!!