Fear of moving on..

This summer, took us on a not so Hawaiian rollercoaster ride…

We had joys and excitement, and as quickly as we adjusted to new changes, there came devastating changes that took place.
I honestly don’t think i have dealt with the loss of a pregnancy,  i never in a million years thought i would experience it and feel it so deeply.

I look at the happy expecting mothers all around me, while I rejoice for them.genuinely, i also think to myself how that isnt me right now

 How my world changed upside down,  the moment the drs confirmed my greatest fear. We decided we’d embrace whetever came our way, but i wasnt ready for this… my heart simply wasn’t ready for a loss. My nights are sad and my heart though full of love for my 1 daughter, hurts for the lost possibility we had with this unborn baby. I long for and desire nothing more than to obtain my very own rainbow baby, bur each passing month is a reminder of what I dont have and wont be having in the near future. Its heart wrenching…

Needing to write out my emotions, is crucial for me. Processing life is hard, but when you are of a creative mind, words spoken often times arent easy, to me writing is my spoken word.

And still i rise, i hope and have faith of whats to come…

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Another month, no change…

I shared with you previously we lost a baby last June… we have been harboring hope that everything reset and wed be sharing happy news, but again another month and no news.

I long for this greatly, and each passing month, i feel like I am spiraling into sadness that no one in my family can understand. I feel alone, i feel weak, i feel helpless, my body was to be this carriage of life, and it is not doing so. My heart grows heavy with each passing month, and i am becoming unable to control it. Emso many happy news around me, and i keep waiting…..

Dear Sister,

I have been there always, ready to guide, to support and love unconditionally.

This is something its taken me months to be able to share…

In your moment of sadness, of pain, of sorrow, of worry, i lacked words, because my heart broke right with yours. As i rejoiced with you, i too suffered your pain, doubly, because i suffered your worries, and those of my own heart. I prayed for you more than myself or my own, i relished every set of good news, and worried terribly as more news awaited. This has been your journey, i could only watch from the sidelines, but know that no matter where i was i thought of you, prayed for you,  and then came the day of rejoicing.
My heart grew a million times that day, a day which will be in your memory forever, because when you rejoice i rejoice, when you weep i weep, and when we struggle, we all feel it.

I want you to know how important you are, how much i care, how much i will always be there. 

I am blessed to have more of you, unique sensitive souls that brighten my life….

Forever your sister, forever a friend.