Secret…

Anyone who reads this entry will know something…. only 1 other person and God know.

We are pregnant…We really are.
I pray and hope with all my might, that God keeps this baby and I  safe throughout all the way to fruition. I tested today and my heart is so happy.
Pray for us.

Mom’s day 17

Today was a both beautiful and sad day.

I felt loved and appreciated by all, except the one who started this journey of parenthood with me.

There was a coldness, a distance all day, which though everyone else made me feel the warmth of their love near and far, i could not shakethe hold touching my heart.

It encounters me with other decisions, and a vengeful heart, but i will not let those feelings win for they serve no purpose than to hurt oneself and others when they remain.

To all you out there i pray you had the loveliest pf days and felt yhe warmth of love of all around you. Blessings

To the times we don’t step up.

Tonight was the beginning of a great night planned.
Ended up in tragic wasteland.

All because when a small commentary from a small one, wasn’t corrected by the one who claimed he is just like his dad.

All it would’ve taken, was a few kind gentle reminding words,  that everything isn’t always perfect, but we try our best always.

Instead a cloud of doom rose and covered our shelter, and we all took our places in opposing corners. 

I left alone with my depression and sorrow.

She with her sense of guilt and wrong doing.

And he always above all, always righteous, never wrong doing, never admitting fault. Blaming innocence of the little was to blame for this agony onsought.

Every day is like a mystery, and you never know where it will end. This mystery has taken a turn to a fatal final worthless end. 

The end is upon us. A tiny straw that broke the camels back. A last and final straw that with it takes a lifetime of memories, of joys, of happy times where this nonsense doesn’t exist. A life where no one else happens to exist.

Goodbye this life we used to know, onward we go to places we never imagined we would go.

A lifetime of joy, love and bliss we hoped, but hope is for the weak minded that are unsure of when it is time to let go.

Dream a little dream….

Tonight, after a day of fussing….

I have had symptoms unknown to any other conditions.

Took the 5th and final test….from a multi pack i bought since ourmishap….last summer.

Results, negative.

After all is said and done, my heart still hurts.

Its been 10 months…

Heart still broken.

Today its all outpouring….cant hold it in.
All i can ask for is peace and comfort, to pick my shattered heart back up.

I carry on…i push through.

Most days are good, days like today carry such heartbreak.

Pray for my heart to heal.

What you’ve been called for…

There are things in life we choose to do…

Then there are things we have been chosen for.

If you come  from a faith standpoint, you may have heard this growing in your faith….

You have a calling, something uniquely you for the greater benefit of mankind, of the cause and work you represent.

I was called at the age of 5. I had a vision as a young child, a vision I shared with my mother who at the time helped me understand…

As I grew up in this chaotic world we call earth, I started to face challenges and things that made me hide my talents and gifts from people. Not understanding that there was more I was meant to do, more I was called to work on. 

So through a few bumps in the road we ended up at Family worship church in CT. I found myself in the very place I felt I never wanted to be…but even more so I felt I belonged there.

I found my calling for extraordinary worship.

I saw the great amazing things that God can do when you open up your heart and truly worship and let go and let God.

I have had serious moments of sadness, serious moments of depression and I have with the help of God pushed through it all to render worship and mind gratitude to the Lord.

So forgive me, if I come off as uninterested when I hear people who want me to let loose, let go… I have and I have seen the Glory of God.

When we praise God he uses the things we are good at to touch the hearts of his people…we don’t need a show…we don’t need a theater…we need willing hearts, humble souls, and a willing spirit. Leaving behind my human mind, my issues, my problems and extending myself to the grace and mercy of my saviour.

So if we meet In this beautiful journey called life I hope you share your moments and joys, I hope you share advice, but I also hope you never assume I don’t do my role as worshipper simply because it is not what you expect me to do… each Church has a composure of its own style, it’s own vibe, the tone is always highlighting God…but we have our zone that helps us move past ourselves and into the presence of God. I know what works for myself, I have felt through the spirit what the people need, and I have worked really hard in God’s grace to be where I am today. Learning is part of life, but it should never be assumed that someone doesn’t know something simply because they go about it different than you would…

So i urge you friends to find your calling, find your gifts and talents, harbor them, develop them and go forth and share your gift with those in need. Everywhere we look there are people hurting, people worried, people sad…

So let’s work to bring God’s love and light into the world and show them what goodness and kindness and love they can find in Him.

We were called to restore, to reconcile man with God.

The year of Opportunity

Every year your news feed, news articles, media,  friends and family, even strangers all around inundate our lives with new year New ME. NEW EVERYTHING.

Truth is unless we decided within ourselves to try things differently or new things really there won’t be much change. So this year I don’t want a new me. I am seeking a better version of me…by taking new risks and stepping up to new challenges and opportunities. Goals for the family are to buy out 1st home.

On a more familial front we’ve been trying to have a baby since our loss, but it has not happened. If come this summer it hasn’t, we’ll focus on the home and consider fostering or adoption.

Work wise were making wise moves to try and improve our financial lives. Also making wiser decisions regarding spending and health. We both need healthier food lifestyles and have both decided to commit.to this life altering journey. With God’s grace and mercy we will achieve this and so much more.
For it is not.my will but your Lord. Let it be your guiding light that leads us down the path of righteousness.
Hadn’t checked in on the site for a while. Lots of good family time. Even in the struggles we prevailed.
Blessings to you all

Have an amazing 2017