Dreams… not quite achieved

Weekend getaway to a dream location.

Island bound, all inclusive fun, and enjoyment.

The perfect scene to make things romantic and fresh and exciting, instead i got to wait around while cigar shops catered to this man….

I sat with friends instead of with my lover, I danced with strangers and not my love. Such a fun weekend to reconnect with friends, but in sight also disconnect from him even further.

I feel lonely on the most romantic vacation ive ever taken.
Dreams do come true just not how we planned…

Clearly.

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Today is a Down day…

We are 5 and half months into this 10 month journey. I have thankfully been feeling a bit better now… back is sore as heck with no end in sight. 
Emotionally however, i am on the world’s most interesting ride. I am excited and overjoyed and then my spouse…makes me feel underwhelmed and undervalued and unappreciated. Hormones make it feel more so than it really is, He is honestly a wonderful whom i have now shared 13 years of my life with. He always goes above and beyond for me, but with this baby he seems to be truly clueless. For our 1st pregnancy he wasnt around much he worked two jobs at that time. We were also a bit younger…
I just need a good back rub and to be reminded that this is all but temporary. I enjoy seeing family and friends, but i am so easily overwhelmed internally that i cannot fathom to do too many visits on one time. My work life is taking a hit too, and these things though I know are normal make me feel very out of my element. I love being.pregnant, just not the feelings that accompany it.
Today, i just want to have a good cry but i honestly have no real good reason to except for this incredible back pain..

Bump Update…and more

Haven’t been on here in a while… But we are thrilled to share that we are still pregnant 5 months and we are having a girl.

 Our daughter is thrilled and excited and over the moon to become a big sister. We have had some scares since finding out, since making it public, since harboring hope. Thankfully these have not come at a price that would cost our family another loss. Baby girl still to be named is growing well and healthy and strong and proving to become healthy full-term baby. I’ve had some difficult weeks but thankfully and moving forward I’ve been feeling well.

 This has become a new chapter for our family and has helped to build a closer Bond between my husband and I and our daughter I should say daughters. We are blessed, joyful, hopeful, and excited for the months to come. Felt I should catch everyone up on this page and let them know how things were progressing. To those that read this thank you for your well wishes, thank you for your kind words, thank you for your love and support. Experiencing a loss and then getting the opportunity to experience a new life comes with terrifying fear that you may relive a loss again, it has been the support of our family and friends that have helped to make this and even more joyous occasion. For that we will forever be grateful. Thank you.

Secret…

Anyone who reads this entry will know something…. only 1 other person and God know.

We are pregnant…We really are.
I pray and hope with all my might, that God keeps this baby and I  safe throughout all the way to fruition. I tested today and my heart is so happy.
Pray for us.

Mom’s day 17

Today was a both beautiful and sad day.

I felt loved and appreciated by all, except the one who started this journey of parenthood with me.

There was a coldness, a distance all day, which though everyone else made me feel the warmth of their love near and far, i could not shakethe hold touching my heart.

It encounters me with other decisions, and a vengeful heart, but i will not let those feelings win for they serve no purpose than to hurt oneself and others when they remain.

To all you out there i pray you had the loveliest pf days and felt yhe warmth of love of all around you. Blessings

To the times we don’t step up.

Tonight was the beginning of a great night planned.
Ended up in tragic wasteland.

All because when a small commentary from a small one, wasn’t corrected by the one who claimed he is just like his dad.

All it would’ve taken, was a few kind gentle reminding words,  that everything isn’t always perfect, but we try our best always.

Instead a cloud of doom rose and covered our shelter, and we all took our places in opposing corners. 

I left alone with my depression and sorrow.

She with her sense of guilt and wrong doing.

And he always above all, always righteous, never wrong doing, never admitting fault. Blaming innocence of the little was to blame for this agony onsought.

Every day is like a mystery, and you never know where it will end. This mystery has taken a turn to a fatal final worthless end. 

The end is upon us. A tiny straw that broke the camels back. A last and final straw that with it takes a lifetime of memories, of joys, of happy times where this nonsense doesn’t exist. A life where no one else happens to exist.

Goodbye this life we used to know, onward we go to places we never imagined we would go.

A lifetime of joy, love and bliss we hoped, but hope is for the weak minded that are unsure of when it is time to let go.